(1311-07-30) At Journey's End
Summary: Gregoire finally accepts that he will never wins his wife's affections. He documents the revelation in his journal.
RL Date: 30-07-1311
Related: Friday Homecoming

Fenris' Room - Valliers Residence

When I was younger, I marveled at the tight bond my father had with my mother. It wasn't some grand gesture that kept their marriage flourishing. It was the little things that counted. A loving smile just before he kissed my mother goodbye. A gentle hand on her back as they walked into a crowded room to silently let her know she had his support. When danger darken our doorstep, her protection would be seen to before he stepped up upon the ramparts. Love, loyalty and protection were the hallmarks of how my father honored my mother in front me.

When I was introduced to my bride at a tender young age, I tried to impress her by showing my strength. Then derailed my efforts when I stumbled in fisticuffs with my brother, inadvertently hitting her. I brought her gifts, tiny treasures that I collected from the forest, and she shrieked at the sight of my favorite lizard and garden snake. I devoted a large portion of my childhood to trying to get her notice and affection with these little acts. I failed at every turn, and probably made it worse. I thought time might help us both mature and get past our childhood follies, but no such luck. I thought if she spent more time with me after we were married, affection would take root and grow. Instead she grew to despise me. Nothing I have done seems to 'be right' in her eyes.

It's finally happened, the day I thought I would dread…she's barred me from her life. She has her heir and no longer has need of my services. She has even gone to my lover and asked that he take me in, so she does not have to encounter me in the halls. She claimed my attention was stressing her and putting our child at risk. So I am respecting her wishes and removing myself from the Baphinol residence. I doubt that I shall return except to retrieve my child on days that we agree to. Or if she want to produce another heir. When she needs me to 'do my duty' I shall without complaint. I owe our families that much. But that is it. No more shall I seek her company.

I can't help feeling relief. Because I have tried everything to create that connection and failed. I have exhausted all my options and am convinced that there is nothing to be done. Now I can build a life with someone who smiles at me when I walk into the room. Who doesn't curse my social awkwardness or humiliate me when I make mistakes. Who loves me despite my jagged pieces. I can build a future outside of her suffocating disapproval. Find happiness with someone who wants me.

It's been a heartbreaking, difficult journey that has spanned over two decades. I can finally shed this burden that it's me. It's not. I'm not less. I'm not unlovable. What I am is not what she wants in her life. That's okay. I can relieve myself of the burden of trying to make it better. Because it won't. She will never see me as I truly am. That is her loss. What's important is this journey to win her love and create the marriage my parents had needs to end. I just need to let her go. Leave her be to live her life as she wishes.

In return I can devote myself to the one that matters. My love, my everything, my beloved. I can be happy with him. Having that love strengthens and rejuvenates me. He makes me a better person. That's what love is.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License